Simmonds-Upton: Scribbler

Does this count as writing?

It may come as a surprise to those who actually know me, but I am not usually one for writing my self indulgent, introspective thoughts down on paper (or webpage). When I do share them, it is usually with my girlfriend, my friends, or, in a pinch, my cats (who are very good at listening without comment, although without judgment I am less sure).

With the new year approaching, and the anniversary of this blog, I have however found myself in such an introspective mood and decided to share. This will likely be the most scribbled scribble of the blog to date.

Writing, or a lack thereof

I set out this year to write at least one blog post per month, something that I have most duly failed to do. The year started strong, as do most new years resolutions, but ailed from the middle of the year onward.

As to why, I can’t really say for sure. Perhaps the writing inspiration dried up as work became a greater proportion of my time. In part I know it is my tendency to write when inspiration strikes rather than to a schedule, meaning that I write across different projects rather than focusing on one at a time. For me writing is both a discipline and a passion. My disciplined daily writing in the form of journaling, which did lead to me doing longer form writing more often, dried up mid year when my anti-depressants did.

For the purpose of this navel-gazing exercise, I shall focus on three main reasons as I see them.

101 Projects and never enough time

At present, I am writing (or attempting to) 4 novels, an account of the Ukrainian volunteer war, numerous board and TTRPG games, and two short story collections. All these are in addition to my blog and the writing I do as a freelancer or for my own company.

Some are short term efforts that I have been building recently. Others, decades long projects I have worked on sporadically. Some are in a perpetual state of almost completed, others are little more than a whisper of a concept. Some are incrementally developed steadily over time, others languish untouched for years.

This is a core reason why I feel I don’t write, or don’t write enough. Because even when I do it is scattered across a range of projects so wide I never feel like I am making tangible progress in any of them.

I never set out to have so many active projects, but as someone who usually writes in bursts of creativity the output is rarely directed optimally. I can sit down to write one story, and then end up working on something else entirely. Or when sitting in a funk of writers block I will be hit with inspiration for a brand new idea and commit it to page. While this helps me lift out of the block, it has a secondary consequence of increasing the number of things that draw my focus.

Discipline or Inspiration?

All this is not to say that I never write from a place of discipline. In fact, when I have a set target, when I have a work deadline, when I have concrete motivation, I can finish what I set out to do rapidly.

As a researcher working in parliament I would regularly write at least 2000 words a day in research papers and briefings. As a teacher I research and prep large amounts of vocabulary and lesson materials every day. As an editor I have maintained a rapid same or next day turnaround for every project. When I journalled, I would reliably write every day. Often going on to write more than the minimum required for my daily updates.

My problem is not an inability to write, or write lots. It is that inspiration driven bursts of creative writing are not really conducive to finishing anything.

Productive Procrastination

Even setting down to write is no guarantee of progress. During the writing of this piece, I checked my emails, changed my sim provider, updated my to do lists, wrote a short story, and edited the back end of this website. All things I needed to do. All things that were therefore productive. All at least in part ways to procrastinate from what I actually wanted to do. In short, I was productively procrastinating.

The reasons we productively procrastinate are numerous, and vary by person. In my case, I’m certain of two reasons for it. One is my mild executive dysfunction, which manifests in choice paralysis and task avoidance. The ideas are there, the stories waiting to be put to paper. But deciding the order to work in or actually getting started can at times feel like insurmountable hurdles. The strength of this block waxes and wanes over time. At its weakest a stiff coffee and a bit of focus music is enough to overcome it. Usually, forcing myself to begin will unlock the focus I need. When it is strongest however, I can cave to ceaseless busywork, to-do list updates, plan making, and work shuffling.

The other cause is my perfectionist tendencies, or rather my fear of failure. The age old adage that you can’t fail if you never try is a powerful one. And boy do I fear failure. This has the incredibly unfortunate effect of meaning that the things I most desperately want to work on and finish are the things I most fear to create. How can my work possibly live up to the ideas it is based on? How dare I seek to pass myself off as a writer, or a creative? Am I or will I ever be fit for the title?

Enough writing about writing, its time to write

So, what was all this for? Introspection without action is merely intellectual masturbation after all. What will I do?

First, publish this. A start, if a poor one.

Second, I’ll start uploading fiction to this website as well. Not much, maybe only samples, but I need to share some finally. Open myself up to critique and feedback on more than my personal and polemic pieces.

In the new year I will commit to a handful of projects and pieces that I will dedicate my writing to. While the sheer number of projects will remain, I will hopefully reduce their impact on my productivity.

When I am inspired to write, I shall write. When this inspiration is driven towards those projects not on my “to-do-in-2026” list, I shall indulge it, but use it as a trigger to then work on pieces that are on that list.

Finally, my procrastination. I have a plan for countering my fear of publishing sub-par work: I am going to publish sub-par work. By posting some drivel scribbles once in a while I hope to break down the fear I feel in uploading something unrefined. Its a small start, but hopefully it can unlock more committed work on those projects I most fear to fail. And I will do more of my writing offline, cut off from distraction as much as possible.

Will all this bare fruit? Who knows. I guess I’ll have to look back in a year and see. Until then, here’s to a year of writing, a year of better than before. Here’s to you, those who have read the little I have posted here. I hope to have more for you soon.